Sometimes I go back and re-read a post I made and realize that I’m not a good enough writer to put into words how I’m feeling. I can’t express in writing how sad I am sometimes, or how happy, or what I’m thinking about. It’s frustrating. It always seems so much more emotional to me when I’m writing it than when I go back and read it.

I played pick-up ultimate frisbee tonight at Belmont with a bunch of freshmen. The school year just started a week ago. It was a lot of fun. The freshmen guys and girls were good people. There’s still that one douche bag upperclassmen, but hey, 1 out of 30 isn’t so bad. Compared to summer league, 1:30 is a great ratio (as opposed to like 1:5).

I met a lot of people, which I haven’t done in a long time. Most of the time I don’t even try to learn the names of new people that show up, but tonight was different. There’s something about being around a group of people who are in a new college environment and eager to meet people. It’s easier for me to meet people when cliques haven’t already formed.

It made me almost feel like I was part of the dorm family again. Like I belonged again. I know that’s not the best thing to say, since I have great friends. But this was different.

I also realized how much I like encouraging people. Frisbee gives me an avenue to do that. When someone drops a pass, “Hey, good try man, no worries.” I can only really be encouraging when I feel encouraged myself, and tonight was the first time I felt that way in a good amount of time. For the past month or so I’ve been a little sad. Always a little sadness underneath it all. Tonight there was no sadness; at least while I was out there playing.

I know that I can’t go back to college and live in a dorm again. That life is over and gone. But maybe I can learn to encourage people who need it. One day, perhaps years from now, maybe I’ll have what it takes to be a counselor. Or a teacher.

It felt good to be encouraged again. To be around people that are trying to find their way in a new situation made me feel a little better subconsciously I guess, because I’m still trying to find my way. Still fighting it.

I’m feeling better since earlier. I went to Megan’s birthday party, and even though I didn’t feel like talking to anyone much, it made me feel a little better. I didn’t have hardly any human contact on Saturday at all. Just stayed in the whole day. Being around people drew me out of myself a little bit today.

You know, it’s easy to blame someone else for your troubles.

I’ve been watching Law and Order, and I keep seeing commercials for Starter Wife, some USA miniseries. I have to say that those kinds of shows make me sick. Granted, I’m a man, but I’m not a fan at all.

Today around 11 I took a bath and read a book and got ready to go eat lunch at the Sir. I was all ready to go around 12:45, when I couldn’t find my phone. I looked everywhere. Couldn’t find it. Then I started flipping out. It was late enough that I felt like I need to let people know I was coming but would be late. I looked some more. Still couldn’t find it. That’s when I gave up and decided not to go at all.

Then I was sitting in Stuffy’s recliner that he let me borrow and felt it vibrate. I had already looked in it several times for my phone. So I took off the back of the chair and found my phone, finally. Too late to eat lunch, but I found it. So then I tried to put chair back together. It wouldn’t go. I tried over and over. I started getting angry and flipping out again. I gave up.

Now I’m emotionally shaken. Why did I flip out so much? Like, flipped out to the point of almost crying. I feel a little broken inside. I’m feeling lonely and abandoned.

Normally, depending on the company I’m in, I try to tone myself down to a level that I feel is “acceptable”. I’ve decided that I’m tired of doing that. There are limits. I mean, at work (for example) I obviously can’t be completely candid all the time. When I am censoring myself to a point where it’s uncomfortable, that’s when it’s too much. I do it to gain the favor of certain people and to make sure they’re comfortable, but at some point I don’t care anymore if they get offended. Be an adult; quit being so naive and disgusted.

I hate walking on eggshells around certain people all the time.